Ask anyone: Laughing stock is the worst kind of stock you can be. Dazzle it though the MCU – especially the MCU of recent years – always working overtime to get its characters that way. Here’s a look at three of the worst offenders, plucked from the mind of a comic book nerd who had nothing else to do on a Tuesday.
Darren Cross
To be extremely clear, this is not about MODOK. No one on the internet needs another righteous nerd who can only feel joy when he’s proving that his comedic palate is progressing far better than the MCU’s writers, at cry about MODOK and his cute little tuchus. Ant and the Wasp: Quantumania. Don’t get me wrong – I love MODOK exactly the way you have to love MODOK: unapologetically, ironically, the same way you love KISS or your friend who’s still doing keg stands in their 30s. Between Quantummania and Patton Oswalt’s goofy series takes the character, the recent shot at a serious version in Square Enix’s avengers, and the panoply of other MODOK interpretations from the last 60 years of comics, there’s more than enough MODOK to make a version you don’t care about.
But Darren Cross? The Corey Stoll character from the first one Ant-Man movie? An unstable businessman driven to violent madness by a brash scientific experiment? Wild to turn it into one with Butt. Did you know that the Darren Cross from the comics sort of rules? He was a member of the Hellfire Club, and he had a Pym Particle-infused heart transplanted into his body, giving him wild and unstable powers. He is related to Blade. It is good. There could have been some crazy stories, but Marvel went the “Make Funko Pop come alive” route instead. It’s hard to imagine we’ll see another Darren Cross on the big screen.
Taskmaster
Black Widow not all bad. The family series were fun. Florence Pugh and David Harbor could probably read Ayn Rand and still be energized, and for longer than I can remember, the audience was begging for a movie where Rachel Weisz’s mind controls a pig, so it was nice to see Hollywood admit that they work for us, the audience.
But man, there were a lot of drags. Taskmaster is probably the biggest bummer for comic book fans. In the comics, he has something in the ballpark of an evil Deadpool – a fast-talking mercenary with a sword and a very short list of powers. Despite looking good he bought a knockoff Mask of the Phantasm suit on Temu, he has influence. The material Brian Posehn and Gerry Duggan wrote for him in the mid-2010s was a lot of fun. By the time 2021 rolled around, he was one of the last B-list animals worth getting excited about seeing interpreted in a big-budget movie.
Tragically, what we got was a Dark Knight Rises-character swap style when it turned out that the Taskmaster was the poor man’s daughter all along. After years of doing mean things because she was made by a bad man, she learned not to do small things, thanks to a scientific vape that undoes the patriarchy.
He could have used the second draft, yes.
The good QuickSilver
That is not fair. “The IS better quick money.” “The fun QuickSilver.”
Black Widow maybe it’s a flu. in postEnd game on earth, it might just have been a weird day off for a franchise that had just come off more than a decade of world-building and more or less stuck the landing. The Multiverse Saga was coming. Big things were on their way.
Then WandaVision came out, and despite some wild and memorable swings, the ominous vibes reinforced. Frustrations revealed – and lack of reveals – piled up. Monica knew an aerospace engineer, remember? He was probably a cool guy. Shame we didn’t get around to it.
Most damningly, in a series about warped realities, in a larger segment of a franchise theoretically focusing on the multiverse, the show brought Evan Peters into the MCU to play Quicksilver – the version everyone loved, even there. X-Men: Apocalypse. The writers would have to be spiral-eyed-moon-man-bananas to throw fans that kind of nugget without going somewhere great with it.
Cut to Ralph Bohner. Sad trombone. Funny
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